Throwing My Soul
by foxprince90
Summary: A cross-section between what is expected and what lies in the intention of the heart. As the clouds and darkness around Rose threaten to pull her down and swallow her whole she finds comfort in someone who knows that torment of the soul better than others. Rose x Adrian pairing. No Dimitri bashing, just a fic exploring a love line between Adrian and Rose. Dark Themes. Slightly AU.
1. I don't think about you anymore but

Chapter One : I don't think about you anymore but sometimes I dream

It started slowly at first. A trickle from a leaky spout inside her. The cause unknown but the effects jarring as the time went past. A shift between her and the world surrounding her as the haze dropped from the cloud above down around her settling just thick enough that she couldn't distinguish it anymore and adjusted to it. No one else could see the blurring space between her and them but the distinction in attitude was there.

Not that they could say anything. Not after what had happened to her. Eggshells and glass shards surrounded any conversation that strayed from the normal class topics. Any mention, even the slightest, of the events that had happened in the months prior only made her mood worse. Somber and radiating it's own powerful tension into the air that would make others squirm involuntarily in their seats. The empty space between her and them showing the weight of the missing person. His presence noted though never spoken out loud unless in hushed whispers when she wasn't in ear shot. No one wanted to face the wrath, the pain, the emotional torture of reminding that he was gone.

She did a well enough job of putting on a strong facade but it was obvious through the weariness in her eyes and the leaded motions of her limbs in practice that it was bearing down on her on a subconscious level. When the day broke she wrestled in her sheets, tangled and sweaty unable to fall asleep. Moments of sheer exhaustion would knock her out for an odd hour or two but then it crept back into her...that feeling. Something lurking in the shadows and watching. Something just hesitating in the distance in her dreams. It was never just the devoid rest she wanted and it left her jolting up struggling for breath when it entered her pause of silence heavy in the space empty surrounding her as if it was at a painstaking pace filling up with water to drown her. Her lungs breathing deeply to swallow the panic back down again so it wouldn't take over her bones. Shaking beneath the skin when she knew she had to be strong.

Her life depended on being strong. The lives of her loved ones depended on her being strong. There was no blank slots in her schedule that allowed her any weakness. Not even the moments when she was alone. Those moments mattered most of all. If she let herself go now, she wasn't entirely sure she would be able to stop. If she let those thoughts seep in deeper, if she let herself really collapse into the burrowed sorrow deep inside of her, she would never be able to climb back out. She knew should would let it take over her every waking thought. She'd be wracked with the guilt and the echoing haunting screams that she didn't even remember escaping her raw throat in that moment. Holding his body close to hers and feeling the world disintegrate in her vision and her brain completely detach. She couldn't do it, not now. Not ever, even if it left her a shell of who she used to be inside.

Practice came and went before she knew it the Moroi students were waking up and beginning their school day as she shuffled into the hallways seeking out Lissa. The instinct to be beside her stronger than the depressed melancholy that was hiding in the corners. The small excitement inside of her stamped down a little when she finally found her in the library with Adrian. He was harmless in most respects but his version of how to handle spirit was much different than what Rose wanted for Lissa. She didn't want her off the medication and she didn't want her falling into the vices that Adrian often found himself snuggling up to when the days worked through. They sat with an even more bothered looking Christian who was, suffice to say, even less of a fan of Adrian than most. Rose couldn't blame him, he was rather protective of Lissa and a bit jealous of their unique connection that no one else could understand entirely.

A part of her world that both him and Rose couldn't touch. The ache of loneliness panged and she felt it physically reach through her chest and shoulders as the glimpse of a thought she'd been repressing tried to break the surface. The reminder that even if Lissa was the center of her world, she shared the center of Lissa's life with several other people. The distance between them only growing more as the disconnect in Rose's moods increased. Walking up she noticed them tinkering with potted plants. No one really taking notice of her sitting down at the table except Adrian who looked up at her with a strange glint in his eyes, a flicker of worry if she had to put a name to it. Once she made eye contact with him properly the glimmer was gone and he panned his eyesight back to Lissa but the peculiar energy was already created.

"You have to focus your emotions solely on bringing it back, as if your life depended on it. Here, watch me do it first so you know what I mean."

Lissa opened a slender hand and delicate palm at the wilted flower and stared intently at it. A moment of gut wrenching darkness pulled through Rose's connection with her and the panic floored through her heart again at the worry she would watch Lissa fall into the blackness again and reaching through the emotional tethered she willed the bleak shadows to go away and, like that, they were gone. A fragile second in real time but the toll was immediate on Rose. Whether she noticed it or not, the void had been gone inside of Lissa and she glowed as the flower before her sprung back to life growing the most lovely little blossoms on its thin healthy green branches.

That glance again. Adrian's eyes on Rose as though he was desperately trying to place his tongue on a word that it knew was near but just not there. Rose could only focus on Lissa though, seeing her radiating pure energy that shone through every inch of her in that moment that she brought the flower back to life. A headache creeped behind her left eye pressing down on her sinuses and she felt a twinge as her vision clouded slightly. Perhaps just the weather changing. At least that's what she hoped.

They watched as Adrian made a proper though not as vibrant attempt at pulling his flower back into essence. His frustration obvious but he brushed it off with his usual flippant attitude, not one to let others see into his true feelings.

"Maybe you just have to be the kind of spirit user whose good at it? You're certainly much better than I am at the spirit dreams!"

Lissa's cheery voice trying to encourage him to keep trying.

"Maybe next time, I'm thinking about a hidden corner just out in the courtyard where I can peacefully have a smoke without all the children hovering around."

His signature smirk as charming as ever, even Rose had to admit his lame jokes almost worked when he made that look. Christian shuffled closer to Lissa and started to ask her about a secret rendezvous into the hiding spot they used when they wanted a little peace and quiet.

"How about you my little dhampir? Care to take a walk?"

His tone was casual but the look in his eyes hinted that he wanted to talk about something, alone. The pressure behind her eye building and making the world a little blurrier she was aching to get away from the two love birds as Lissa's emotions started to crawl into the connection, making her feel sick.

"Sure, lead the way. Not like I'm missing much here with these two"

Enraptured in their own whispers and light touches Lissa gave a small goodbye to Rose and then they were off down the halls in awkward silence. Though she was sure Adrian was feeling anything but awkward, she felt unsure of where she stood with him as she felt herself getting more and more curious of what those looks meant from him in the library. Once he'd found a spot deemed worthy of his intention they both sat on a little brick alcove in the wall.

"How are you doing lately?"

It caught her off guard. She was always the one aiming to be caregiver, the one reaching out to protect the others. It was only Dimitri who ever asked her that type of question. Oh. Dimitri. She felt another shot of pain in her chest and a warmth spread as she tried to brush it off. Things were strained to say the least between them. For a brief moment after the...incident she felt a closeness to him she hadn't felt in months but then in the months after it she was shaken back to the reality of their world. He was her senior by several years. He was her teacher. He was someone she could never truly be with. Though she wanted it so badly, she thought of it when she zoned out and remembered their kiss. She shouldn't.

"Hello, earth to Rose?"

Adrian's warm hand pressed down on her shoulder and she jolted from her thoughts.

"Oh...I'm fine. The usual. You know how it is."

She tried to give off a tone of nonchalance to match him but the slight waver in her voice betrayed her as she looked back at him only able to see clearly through one eye. In the muddled left eye she thought she saw something. Something in the shadows just out of her reach. But every time she tried to focus on it, it was gone, leaving nothing but the real world.

"You don't have to lie to me you know. You can tell me in honesty. Not like I have anyone to tell, you don't really see anyone busting down my door for a chit chat."

He chuckled half-heartedly, making sure the length of severity was still there, telling her that he was genuinely concerned. She thought for a moment about actually baring her soul to him in that moment as the clouds swirled in her vision but then the fear of being known, truly known by someone, struck her back from the thought. She had to keep up the facade, she had to keep it tight and locked away with the key buried down deep.

"There's something strange about your color you know. Everyone else I see, they're any variety of colors out there, but you are different. It's so...black. Like you're surrounded by storm clouds. It's enchanting but god, it's really heavy."

He was half way through a clove and making hand motions around her pointing out the aura she couldn't see. It scared her in honest, to hear the description that matched how those secret feelings felt. She couldn't let that be exposed, she couldn't bear the embarrassment of being seen as weak.

"Maybe you need to lay off the smoking, it's probably just the fumes of your chain smoking blocking your view."

It was said as a joke but it was slightly bitter as her real emotions betrayed her.

"Whatever you say dear, but just know you're always welcome to come to me if it gets to be too much."

There was no joking in the sentence. His warm eyes locked with hers, intense and unflinching.

"I should get going…"

It was getting too serious for her liking and he shrugged a goodbye as she grabbed her backpack back up and made her way back to her dorm as quickly as she could without seeming like she was running away. The alarm was ringing signaling the end of the school day and since she knew that Lissa was well occupied, she locked into her room and slumped down onto her bed closing her eyes to welcome sleep. Time moved at a speed she could no longer keep track of but she knew her body was longing for that unknown sleep.

But it didn't come. Just as always, it never came. And then she had a thought. One she knew she probably shouldn't have. There was always one way she knew to force her body to relax. Sliding off the bed she reached under her bed desperately grasping for a box she had hidden well beneath piles of crumpled clothes. And then she had it. The strong smell burning her nostrils as she twisted off the sealed lid. It'd been so long since she had thought to come back to her old routines of the party life. Did it even count if she was just by herself and it was something between her and the old school walls?

With the curtains drawn no light could filter through except for a thin line along the top that gave her a sliver of a view of the pattern of the ceiling. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Deliberate and paced but still in a languid sort of rush. A forced and pleading attempt to feel that hollow and blank sleep come over her so that she could rest for once. At the least, she wanted to be free of the pressure in her head but at the moment that something bigger...that something bigger that pulled at her constantly. She chuckled lowly to herself thinking that she'd be a bit brash to judge Adrian earlier when she was feeling herself start to understand him and why he'd found such a comfort in things like this. Sometimes the ends justifies the means when it permitted you the solitude that you need.

Going backward, spiraling, she felt herself sliding further as her back slipped from the bedside to the cold floor. She couldn't even feel the chill though as the burn of the liquor warmed her entire body, sloshing around her stomach bringing a smile to her lips for the first time in months. The warmth of the sun line on the ceiling glowing like his orange hair used to. The pain was there, oh god it was there. Her eyes slamming tight shut to push away that thought. Not now. No, not now. Not ever.

And she was out in a short time. The bottle near gone but she was out and flailing her arm around to pull down the blanket from her bed as she couldn't find the strength to even stand up to get up on the bed. The floor was just as well, she knew she would feel the regret of this choice as soon as she was awake again. Was there something bigger? She couldn't find it in this moment, she could find nothing but the empty black space of sleep as she faded into the twilight of her drunken state. It was what she was looking for all these weeks, this was the moment that she'd been holding onto finding. Something bigger.


	2. A Night Time Shudder

Thank you guys for the follows and the review! I'm so glad there's others to enjoy this little story along with me. I'll try to update on my day off from work during the weekends~  
Beware, it's a little spicy at the end of this one!

Chapter Two: A Night Time Shudder

Silent as the grave.

A certain kind of grave.

Could he hear through the mud?

Was there a world beyond the veil to even hear from?

The school bell blaring in the distance to let the campus know it was time to start getting up was deafening to her ears. All the murky clouded visions from yesterday were gone but they were replaced by the blurred bleariness of a hangover that was pounding in her head like a drum set. Fingers stretched out and joints cracking Rose forced herself up from the floor and with a slight wobble found her way into the bathroom adjacent from her. Makeup could only do so much to mask the intense purple rings under her eyes but it would have to make due as she shuffled into fresh clothes and feeling the mouthwash burn away any lingering scent of the liquor.

She'd been dreading practice while slow walking down the halls knowing she'd have to look into Dimitri's all-knowing face and have to hold back from all the thoughts she wanted to have. The thoughts of his strong arms and what they'd be like wrapped around her. His lips soft and yielding as they shared that brilliant spell enhanced moment.

"No!"

Her voice came out vocally instead of mentally startling a young moroi who was trying to pass by while staring down a textbook.

"Sorry…"

She meant it genuinely but couldn't help but stifle a laugh seeing his eyes bugging out like she'd pounced on him with an attack. The burden approaching her seemed a little lighter after the small interaction and her pace picked up slightly as she drew closer to the gym area they met at. Unsurprisingly, Dimitri was early and already waiting in the room for her. Her breath hitched and caught for a moment as she faced his back and prepared herself to act like her normal self. His hair tied in it's usual ponytail and his shoulders broad and looking like they could bear the weight of any challenge.

"So uh… what's on the agenda today?"

Feeling convincing enough she planted her feet firmly onto the floor to center herself into bracing through this day. It almost knocked her on her ass when he finally turned around and she caught his eyes in direct contact but she was holding steady.

"Training for the exams, don't forget they are coming up soon."

Deflated by the reminder her shoulders sagged. After facing down real strigoi it was the last of the things on her mind but it would of course be harder than she anticipated, she was sure of that. And so they fell into their normal routine as she tackled dummies and practiced the correct spots to connect directly with the heart. It didn't hold much of a challenge when the memory would creep into her mind of the rusty sword and the tensile muscles of the neck. In moments of passing when those thoughts would creep back up she would swear she'd seen Dimitri eyeing her a little too concerned like he was reading her mind and it unsettled her. Not because it was Dimitri, if anything that should be comforting but it was just another painful reminder that she needed to keep her distance. He shouldn't be so close, he can't get lost inside her head like she was. His duty would be to Lissa and his focus should always be dedicated to the space surrounding her.

Despite the sporadic moments of tension between them in glances the practice went by fairly easily and her body held brave against the exhaustion that was wracking her. The rest of the classes went by even easier as she zoned out into her own inviting blank headspace. Every now and again glances of Lissa and her day would feed through the connect and rouse her from wherever her mind had wandered and a longing spread through her chest. Desperately, she just wanted to feel that personal bond again. From her side she could feel so much of her, the emotions and how the world looked through her eyes. It was so intimate in a way that she knew Lissa could never truly feel through her. She knew Lissa was always there for her and always would be but it was different for some reason now. Creeping upon her a strange feeling dug its way back inside her every limb, dragging her down with a weight she didn't know had been resting above her.

The final bell was more than welcomed as she bobbed and weaved through the crowd towards the spot in the courtyard she'd seen them all hanging out through Lissa. A brief fleeting thought that is was so bizarre to be in these hallways without _him _beside her jabbing her with his elbows and making flirty jokes. His laughter could almost ring through her ears in that moment, his memory so vivid.

No.

Not now.

Not any more.

"Rose!"

Lissa's bright voice called her from the hurt and gave her that beaming smile that reminded her why she did everything to protect her. She owed her the life that kept her here on this earth and she would never be able to pay her back for that. It was a debt she was more than glad to spend her whole life giving back to her with everything she could.

"Hey guys, what are you up to?"

The casual phrase landed well and she stole a glance at Adrian while Lissa launched into a long ramble about her lessons learning spirit and how she could use it in so many more ways than she imagined. Truly, it was a fascinating discovery but it scared Rose so much to think of the after-effects it would have on her. Driving her crazy. Even possibly leading her to an early grave. She couldn't let that happen. All the while she felt for any darkness lingering around Lissa trying to will it away with just a thought, a frantic hope.

Adrian's green eyes flickered between everyone in their charming little semi circle but he couldn't help but focus a little longer each time on Rose. Something odd was occuring with her but he just couldn't place if she knew what was going on. It was concerning to say the least, whether she knew or not. Her makeup was well enough done but he could recognize the pallor in her skin and smell that strong familiar scent just clinging ever so delicately to her. No amount of quick morning washing would remove it in a way he couldn't notice. Hell, he'd even had a flask in his back pocket at this very moment. He could catch a whiff of alcohol from a mile away at this point. Thinking of it even just like this had him unconsciously dancing his fingers around the hem of his pocket trying to keep from taking a sip. Best not to push his luck when surrounded by students though.

The conversation ebbed and flowed from topic to topic and after a little while Lissa and Christian wandered off giggling to each other over some inside joke leaving just Rose and Adrian standing wordlessly. Over time the other students as well had dwindled off and made their way to other parts of the campus. The full moon glowed high midway in the sky leaving still a few hours before daybreak and shimmering a beautiful light over every spot that it touched. Rose's mind drifted away from her again as she felt her body relax a little knowing nothing more would be expected from her today.

"Care to give me a little of your time?"

His deep voice broke her concentration and just as her eyes trailed back over to him the haziness returned in her sight. The filmy distortion just enough to cause her to rub her eyes in search of clearing it away. No such luck. As the grey shadows started to tirl around the very sides of her vision the pressure inside her head returned again. God, she would give anything to be away from this anguish again.

"Lead the way."

As surprised as he was by her actual agreeance, Adrian softly latched onto her hand with his own and started to lead her away. The ground felt disconnected and peculiar with each step that she made, almost as though it would curl under her and leave her floating if she didn't step down hard enough. Gathering around her though still adamant as ever, were the grey shadows that swirled to almost human shapes. Silently she pleaded that Adrian would drag her even faster from this all as it felt like the shadows were almost chasing her. How could that be though when they weren't even real?

Soon they came to a dorm room just on the farthest outside of the building that was just far enough away that no students would meander that way. Suddenly, she became very aware of the warmth Adrian's hand gave to her own and pulled back from it. Should she even be here with him like this? A tiny voice in the back of her head that sounded a bit like Dimitri's gave a resounding stern 'no you shouldn't' but it was a drop of rain in a torrential downpour compared to the pressure building inside.

"Don't worry I'm not the big bad wolf like you think I am. I just thought you may be interested in a little stash I keep where the staff can't reach it."

Wagging the key in his hand she looked between the walk path back to the girls dormitory and the door before them and sighed heavily.

"Go ahead."

It was a part defeated and part intrigued as she followed him inside the room. Certainly, it was not the first time she'd snuck off into an area she shouldn't be after hours with someone she shouldn't have. As much as she wanted to be wary of Adrian after all the rumors about him she just couldn't stay away. Spirit users in their own nature had an element about them that pulled others in but even that didn't seem a large enough of an excuse to explain this draw she had to him. Almost like he was his own planet that dragged her in by gravitational pull alone.

"Pick your poison! I'm more than sure you'll find something here that will get you all hot and heavy."

With a wink he flirted carelessly as always but it wasn't enough to dissuade her to leave as her eyes twinkled, gleaming at all the glass bottles inside his massive trunk. He wasn't kidding when he said he had plenty of choices as nearly every single container was a different brand or different type of alcohol. After a loaded pause she dug out a dark amber bottle labeled after dark bourbon and chocolate.

"What an apt choice to make! Tell me, are there any other after dark pairings that you like besides just bourbon and chocolate?"

Rolling her eyes she plopped down onto a velvet chaise in the corner nearest the window and glanced once more at the moon and the shadows which stayed, bizarrely, outside of his room. Looking around at the space inside not a single grey mass was to be found and the pressure behind her eyes started to dissipate.

"How about you tell me how many times your witty one liners actually work?"

She's meant it to be sarcastic sounding but her own voice betrayed her and it was vaguely daring in response. The first sip of the drink hit her perfectly, the burn of the rich mix lighting a fire inside from her tongue to the bottom of her toes. For just a moment nothing mattered anymore that existed outside of this room. The strange visions, the loss, the stresses, and everything else hanging around her like a thunder cloud was gone. Through glossy and heavy-lidded eyes she dared to look directly at Adrian who was precariously leaning backwards on the edge of his satin sheeted bed while taking an overly long chug of his own drink.

"I'd say it only matters if they work on you. Am I getting anywhere with them tonight?"

His million-dollar smirk was almost endearing as she felt her body slink into the chair feeling like a cloud was beneath her.

"I'll have to go with no but the night is still young. Maybe you should sharpen your tongue with them if you're thinking you'll hook me in."

Giggles abound they both found themselves drinking a little more than anticipated and before long they'd both found themselves in the middle of the floor playing a card game. Rose was losing miserably much to Adrian's delight even though it was not the strip poker that he'd been pleading for.

"So are you just drunk all the time? You've got enough alcohol in that trunk to kill several elephants and I know you keep a flask on you during the day too."

The question was harmless and said as a joke but Adrian grew still as he looked up at her. His eyes were so vibrant even in the warm mild lighting and looked like they could pierce any part of her he wanted. Even all the secrets she was keeping locked away from everyone in her life. She squirmed a little feeling like she was silently being interrogated.

"Not all the time, though it is rather helpful with spirit. I start to get a little weird after using it for so long."

"You mean you're not usually weird?"

"Oh trust me, if you want weird I can give you weird."

He leaned in close to her dropping down the cards in his hands. His breath fervid and weighted against her ear as he got even closer. The sultry charge in the air caused a blush to rise up her neck almost indistinguishable from the bourbon that was fueling her skin.

"I know you're feeling the same as me. I know you can't sleep at night without it either. Why don't you show me it all?"

The severity of the situation loomed above but her thoughts were too clouded by the alcohol to realize this was the closeness she'd been fearing from others. The naked reality of being seen for who she was under the mask she wore all day long. His lips brushed ever so tenderly against her cheek as he pulled away just far enough to look back into her eyes. Maybe it was the alcohol giving her a push but before she knew it their lips were locked and his hands were wrapped up inside her hair. With a hesitant pause passing she found her hands reaching up with a deliberate path to his own hair allowing herself to fully be enveloped by this passion.

The distinct taste of the liquors on their mouths mixed between their tongues and the roaring butterflies in her stomach struggled to maintain their composure as she pushed him backwards and straddled above him while they continued kissing. His hands exploring leisurely from her arms down to her waist just above her lower hip line working his way just underneath her shirt. Every inch of her skin touched by him emblazoned and screaming for more and more singing the praises of this intimacy.

And then it broke.

"I...I can't."


	3. Transparent You & Me

_Author Note: My deepest apologies for the gap in posting guys. I've been overwhelmed with personal and work things lately and was just struggling to sit down and write. Will be cutting down on that though and trying to consistently post as evenly as I can! Thank you for your time and for reading my little story! A tiny bit of a shorter chapter but the next one will be longer. _

**Transparent You & Me**

In a moment it was gone.

The fragility, the vulnerability, the tiny sliver of emotional flooding from her like a tidal wave that he could sense all around her. Steeled behind black shadows and penned up like a wild animal thrashing to be free. And then she was gone too.

The shock of it had left him momentarily paralyzed from saying anything, too stunned by how it felt to connect with her so physically. In her wake, all that was left was an open door rattling from the strong breeze. Leaping forward to his feet he only succeeded in falling face first back to the ground completely too dazed to remember the amount he'd drank. Groaning he struggled to get back up on his feet though much slower this time only to admit to himself she was probably all the way back to her room by this point. Dhampir agility apparently was no joke even when sloshed.

Of course, he couldn't have known.

How would he?

Thudding against the dewy grass and mud her feet wobbled as they tried to remain stable as she ran as fast as she could with the small tangible amount of balance she had left. By some chance, she'd wandered into the tall decorative shrubbery around the grounds and was bobbing and weaving as if she was being chased. If anyone else were to be looking in they'd see a girl gone mad but they were there. Below the thin veil of our world and theirs. Masked only by a shroud meant to be glimpsed by those who'd touched death.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Her heart pounding in her ears as all the blood rushed inside of her and her lungs seizing in the cold air as they closed in around her. Their faces swirled and changed every time she tried to focus on them as if they were the water feeling the tremble of a pebble. Only one face ever remained visible. Translucent but clearly echoing the saddest look she could ever imagine. Behind the tall ever-transforming shapes Mason stood watching her with no words able to leave his crestfallen lips. His eyes pleading but for what she wasn't sure and at this moment no matter how desperately she wanted to see him again she couldn't stop herself from running terrified.

Just as she thought her head would explode from the pain and her eyes started to burst with white spots she cleared the part of the grounds near her dorm and like a bolt of lightning everything just stopped. The beings were gone and so was the pressure in her head.

So was Mason.

Her aching feet begged her to collapse to the ground and catch her breath but she was off in the same instant to make it safely to her room not even trying to stop for a second until she slammed the door behind her and slid down the smooth wood to the floor clutching her hand over her chest trying to gulp every bit of air possible. The intensity of the moment almost was enough to blank her mind from the rest of the night until she stood on her still shaking legs and made it to her bathroom just to see herself fully in the mirror. Whether it was the alcohol flushing her or the running she couldn't be sure but what she could be sure of was her kiss swollen lips and then it hit her what she'd just done.

"_Oh, fuck."_

Back in Adrian's room, he was starting to sober slightly but his thoughts were still reeling with thoughts of her. He truly couldn't decide which was more shocking, that she finally actually gave in to his pestering interest or that just as soon as she did she bolted from him like she was kick-starting a marathon. Reclining into his bed he used the little ounce of sobriety surfacing in him to try and reach out to her in the possibility she'd already fallen asleep. Desperate to know what was going on with her and just a little bit needing to see her again even if she'd just parted from him.

Nothing.

In fairness, it had only been an hour at the most since their impassioned and liquor fueled make-out session. A normal and spirit free sleep beckoned for him longingly but his body was still fiercely aflame with the memory of how her hands felt in his hair. How well their tongues blended together as she pressed into him and dropped the curtains covering her own spiritual presence. Rolling over he tried to force himself to forget it and just pretend it didn't happen but every fiber of his being was roaring and imploring him to reach out to her. He knew it was a serious matter underneath it all but he just couldn't block out his own selfish desires for her.

"_Oh. Fuck."_

"235….236...237….238…."

Counting the patterns on the ceiling her eyes blurred and wished for sleep to come swiftly again. It just wasn't in the cards for her as it seemed like every time she started to drift off she was hit with a confusing array of emotions and thoughts juggling between the musky sweet smell of Adrian's skin and the horrifying creatures that kept pushing into her world. Madness really seemed imminent and that was scarier than anything. Having seen and heard what happens to the shadow kissed was enough on its own without actually experiencing it. For Lissa she knew in her heart it was worth it but a microscopic part of her wanted to be her own person and live her own life without duties and without responsibilities. She just wanted to be selfish for once and wish she could take that break from it all. She couldn't but in another life. Maybe another universe. Somewhere out there she wanted to be that person. Would it work at all?

Tears glistening in her eyes the ceiling started to disappear as sleep pulled her in like a thick black mud dragging her into the depths of unconsciousness. Nothing but darkness and soft breathing. No shadow figures. No duties. No grades. No… Adrian? His voice reverberated through the shells of emptiness.

"Rose? Rose are you okay?"

Tender and gentle his voice thickly filled with concern as she curled up in herself. He couldn't reach her this time. No matter how much of it he was able to break through earlier he couldn't touch that level now. She was alive though and she was resting and that was a good enough solace for him at this time. Sitting down beside her as she slept peacefully even in her dream he changed the illusionary world into a quiet beach at night. The sand beneath them warm as the waves broke delicately in front of them. This was the world he wished he could give her even if no one else would allow it. He wanted her to feel this calm on the inside so that her true soul could shine without any interference. He also wanted his own mind to feel like this but he knew that was a losing wish. For a small moment though together like this, that was enough for him.

It wouldn't be enough once the next day came and they both woke up alone again but for this somber time connected with her again, it was enough. No more running away from the things he wanted now that he had someone he wanted to protect.

No more shining alone like the moon.


	4. As Night Becomes Light

As Night Becomes Light

It was an achingly long walk back to his own room knowing that he'd left her alone again. Being seen by anyone though leaving her room would be a headache he didn't want to bring upon her. He was well aware of his own reputation and while any other time he reveled in it and liked causing a mess around him, the thought of doing that to her reputation wasn't right. The other dhampirs would probably scoff at the idea of Adrian Ivashkov being a gentleman secretly but he knew well where to draw the line with respect.

More importantly than anyone's image though was Rose's strange behavior. He just couldn't wrap his head around it but it was obvious something was seriously wrong. It reminded him greatly of the sweat-inducing nightmares he often got when using spirit too much. A wired sensation crawling through his skin that always made him feel like an entirely different person. By the time he'd come back to his senses, it was like he didn't belong in his own body anymore. Almost like it was someone else's form that he slipped in and out of on occasion. Just a visitor to this world that used to feel like his own home.

Drinking excessively surely didn't help but it was the only thing to provide any solace and he knew that she felt that same sentiment. It hurt though. It hurt to see her reach that low and he wondered if this was the same feeling his own family felt towards him. He didn't like lingering on that thought too long. His father's voice loud and roaring over his shame and embarrassment towards him echoed in his mind but he shoved the feelings down deep and locked them back away. There was not nearly enough alcohol fueling his system to try and barrel through that whirlwind of emotion right now.

Something felt off. Not visually, but as he wandered a tad near the grounds by his room there was a sensation of something moving underneath. Slipped between worlds was a deeply unsettling shift that wasn't the same. Vaguely he recalled a history lesson he partially zoned out about the plates beneath the earth that moved around. It felt similar but not as….tangible. This was something that felt both within and out of reach and his spirit could just on its edges feel it.

Absolutely crazy.

"I have got to tone it down or buckle down on the liquor cabinet."

Lighting a fresh cigarette his feet aimed back onto the path and he let the other world slink away from his thoughts. With a shudder at the chilly breeze rattling against him the curiosity blew away and slipped back through the cracks waiting for another to step into its opening.

The waves crashed chaotically against the shores at her feet. A storm brewing above shaking the dream world until she roused and stretched her fingers out into the thick grainy sand beneath her. Raindrops came but she laid stretched on her back with her eyes closed letting them fall on her. It felt so refreshing, so pure. As if all the rain could wash away the murky feeling that clung to her like a second shadow. Something felt missing and with her eyes still closed her hands and arms stretched out further feeling for it. Nothing but sand. She knew he'd been there though, even if he was gone the sound of his voice was still fresh in her memory and she curled back into herself wishing she could wrap herself in that feeling of being safe beside him.

Time passed with no significant marker as no alarm needed to ring on their off day. Sluggish but calm from the peaceful sleep Rose found herself moving with a little more ease as she changed into her work out clothes and headed towards the training room. The extra practice would earn her some brownie points with Dimitri but also, self admittedly, she wanted to try and get her mind back on track. Lately, everything seemed too languid and detached so what better to bring her back down to the ground than some physical labor. The room was empty and cold as no one wanted to spend their only free time hammering through drills and punches but it was perfect for her. With the pattern falling back into place she found herself easily bouncing from move to move and taking shots spot on at the punching bags.

"Has the apocalypse finally come? I can't believe I'm seeing you of all people in here on your day off."

Startled Rose lost her footing at the sound of his heavy accented voice and fell backward right on her backside.

"Ugh, comrade could you pick any worse of a moment?"

She tried to fake an upset pout but a laugh came out instead. This moment felt so normal for the first time in days it was just what she needed.

"In the real world you'll have no warnings, you should know that."

Walking over to her he extended his hand to help pull her up and she grabbed back gratefully.

"I figured I need in some extra time if I ever want to kick your ass in a fight."

For a heavy pause, he took a good moment to look at her. Her normally bronze warm skin was a little on the pallid side and her eyes still faintly glossy showed a desperate need for just a tiny bit more sleep. Mentally he debated on if he should say anything but felt too worried he'd ruin this moment between them and so he let the concern die on his tongue and instead decided he'd make the day better for her instead.

"Care for taking a road trip with me to pick up some items for the headmaster?"

The joy radiated on her face and she nearly knocked him over both yelling yes and rushing off to pack her bag to leave.

"Meet me at the parking lot soon! We don't have all day."

Chuckling Dimitri made his own way out feeling assured he'd given her something to make the evening a little easier. After fifteen minutes or so she jogged towards the car and jumped in like a kid being taken to the candy store.

"Calm down, you're going to break the car door at this speed."

Buckling in they both headed down the gated drive and through the trees the sunset blazed in full glory like a line of fire just ahead of them. It was breathtaking and Rose felt her body breathe a sigh of relief she'd never noticed she'd been holding.

"So what sort of secret mission are we heading out on?"

Excited her hands clutched around her seat belt on her chest as she beamed smiling at Dimitri.

"It's not a mission, we're simply picking up a book order from an old shop."

"Oh…"

Sliding back down into her seat with a real pout this time she kicked her feet at the mat on the floor.

"Are they special books with some sort of hidden knowledge?"

Wiggling back up in her seat she looked back at him excitedly.

"If I tell you yes will that satisfy you?"

Making sure to be a little dramatic she tapped a finger against her face in a thinking motion.

"Yes."

"Then yes, they are very important books we must guard with our lives. So you better be on your best behavior Roza."

The endearing nickname caused an emotional reaction to shoot through her feeling her face heat with a full blush. But then a second later, a guilty pain in her chest. Why did it make her feel wrong now to feel so noticed by Dimitri? It felt like she was doing something terrible by being so close to him. Not that long ago she desperately wanted this. She wanted to be alone with him and laughing and sharing their witty little remarks with each other. Now in the back of her mind, she wondered what Adrian was doing right now. Had he been okay when he woke up? Did he have a hangover? Now that she thought of it she didn't have a hangover when she woke up this morning like she usually did.

"Are you okay?"

She hadn't even realized she'd zoned out so strongly until Dimitri looked over at her cautiously. Once again he walked the line of dampening their moods by trying to get serious. He was always serious with her but for some reason, he just knew that it might break her to try and push right now.

"What? Oh. Yeah. Nothing wrong here at all. Was thinking about some homework I think I forgot to do already."

A nervous chuckle was the best she could muster but it seemed to relax the tension that Dimitri had hovering on his shoulders and he nodded in understanding.

"How about I put on the radio? You look tired. Try and take a nap the bookstore is around two hours away."

The idea didn't seem too bad actually and as he turned on some old 80's station playing a power ballad she found herself comfortably falling asleep as the sunset faded into dusk. Part of her wondered if she'd hear his voice call out to her like it had before and part of her hoped anxiously that she would. Radio silence was all she got instead. In the dream world, it was all her own, including the nervous energy as she waited for the monsters to worm their way back in. Slowly, a maze materialized around her and she found herself panicking with the same feeling she felt being chased by the shadows on the school grounds. This time she didn't find those same shadows though and she curiously walked into the maze deeper. Not a sound could be heard and she feared if she got lost in the dream maze she may not be able to find her way back to the conscious world.

With the fear setting back in again at that thought she started to pick up the pace and move faster through the maze only getting more frantic with every dead end that she ran face to face with. After what felt like hours she was at a full sprint feeling the disorientating overload of the turns and panic. What if she was never able to get out? What would even happen to her in the real world if she never left this maze? Suddenly she deeply regretted that the only time she really paid attention in class was during the lesson about the labyrinth and the minotaur. With the mere thought of the beast, the dream world shook and twisted into something much more sinister. An ominous growled cried through the distance and the roots of the maze walls tangled and pushed out up from the ground beneath her tripping her in mid-run.

"This isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real."

Clutching her hands over her ears and curling into herself she muttered over and over to herself the mantra to hope that her words would do the same as her thoughts and clear the creature from the dream. Time yet again had no real bearing for her and she had no idea how long she'd already been chanting to herself but she was too worried that if she stopped she'd open her eyes and see large gnashing teeth and dense fur.

Soft hands closed on top of her own and she heard a voice against her right hand but still tightly kept her eyes closed worried it was just a trick of the beasts before devouring her. The hands didn't move but in fact, just stayed on her own and she felt the thumbs tenderly stroking against the back of her hands. A little tickle of facial hair brushed against her forehead and they pressed against her head with their chin. The presence inviting and pleasant the ground below her no longer felt hard and thorny but instead plush and soft. With a large breath in, she opened her eyes and noticed a familiar silky button-up close to her face.

All the fears and jitters instantly released her and her hands dropped from his and instead moved to wrap around him in a tight embrace. Stunned at first Adrian stayed resting his head on hers and then felt his body rumble in a laugh as he wrapped his own arms around her body awkwardly with the position they were in.

"Did you miss me that much?"

She didn't answer at first and he worried he'd upset her by trying to joke but then he felt his shirt grow slightly wet where her face was and realized why she hadn't said anything.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I...sort of first instinct is to laugh. I thought maybe it'd lighten the moment. Are you okay?"

This time it hit differently. It was the same words she'd just heard before falling asleep from Dimitri but when they came from Adrian she just couldn't hold back and pretend she was alright.

"Thank you. Oh my god thank you so much for showing up like you did. I don't know what I'd have done without you."

The words were rushed as she pulled back and tried to scrub away the tears from her eyes with her sleeves. Sunrise showered them with a hazy coral glow and the ocean rocked gently next to them offering all the solace nature could.

His heart soared at her words, feeling validated as well for how he felt about her. Settling back on his knees he reached forward and brushed away the last of the tears just resting on her cheeks.

"Rose…"

Just like that the dream world flittered away and Adrian reached out farther to touch her again but she was washing away like the waves on the shoreline.

"Rose…"

This time the voice was different and she woke with a jolt feeling Dimitri's strong hands politely shaking her awake.

"We're here."


	5. Blind Night Honey Smile

_a/n: Apologies for the lack of updates! Working retail during the holiday season has me absolutely drained I've been struggling to focus. Thank you as always you guys make my day! There's a much bigger plot to this that I've not touched on much yet but it's going to start making its way into things now._

_Blind Night Honey Smile_

"I think I'm going to die of boredom."

Overdramatically sighing Rose slouched into the aged leather settee staring at Dimitri apathetically.

"No one has ever died of boredom and we'll be done soon."

Rolling her head she gazed half-heartedly at the walls lined with ancient books mostly in different languages. The shopkeep had vanished back behind curtains nearly an hour ago to gather the items that they needed to pick up. Dimitri had been less than forthcoming in what the books were about but it didn't stop her from brainstorming ways to peek at them when he wasn't fully paying attention.

"My apologies for the wait! I knew this one was in there somewhere but it tends to have a mind of its own at times."

The old man was a bit quirky but seemed quite tender-hearted. Rose pondered if his age matched half the volumes in his collection looking over how his pure white hair stuck out in several frazzled directions.

"No need to apologize, you can take as long as you want."

With a hearty small chuckle, Dimitri glanced back at Rose while speaking only to get another groan in response. Her interest was finally piqued though and she slowly meandered over to them with her hands in her pockets trying to seem as nonchalant as possible.

"Soooo...anything interesting in this collection?"

A twinkle glimmered in the man's eyes at the opportunity to discuss the books.

"Why this is actually a very fascinating series! Though a bit dark in the content subject, they offer a deep and tantalizing glimpse into the mechanics between religion and folklore of the olden days. You'd be hard-pressed to find a copy of anything of this caliber and age nowadays. People just don't seem to care about the words of our ancestors. A bit of a shame, really…"

Staring into the distance more than likely remembering days long gone the old man seemed a thousand miles away until Dimitri cleared his throat to break the moment.

"Oh, I'm sorry. With my age, it can be rather hard to stay focused. You two must be in a hurry I didn't mean to hold you up like this."

Dimitri and the man started discussing price and how to bill the order as Rose found herself looking at the details on the book bindings intently. Most of them were plain typical black leather bound like most of the books in the church rectory with listed names and authors but there was one on the very bottom with crimson bindings and inlaid golden designs that pulled her in unknowingly.

"Let me just check to make sure there's nothing stuck within the pages before packing them for you."

Impatient, Rose waiting as he moved through all the books on the top until he'd finally reached the one at the very bottom and its front cover was just as beautiful as the side binding. Golden thorns weaved across the cover entangling with the image of a fair maiden. She wasn't sure why it was so entrancing, typically the medieval historical stuff bored her to tears but something about this wouldn't let her eyes escape it. As the old man flipped delicately through the pages she could only catch reading one small section of text on a page.

_Her castles shall be overgrown with thorns, her fortresses with thistles and briers. She shall become an abode for jackals and a haunt for ostriches._

"Want to stop for a burger before we head back?"

Dimitri was already shuffling the books into a backpack and making his way towards the door.

"Duh!"

She ran over to catch up with him but took a glance back at the old man to wave goodbye only to find him already gone. Weird. Food was more important though and she was cheerfully bounding out to the car already debating what toppings she wanted. Leaving the school grounds felt like a breath of much needed fresh air but there was something she just couldn't shake resting atop her shoulders. Looking to the backpack on Dimitri's arm she thought about the book more wondering what that passage could even mean and who the she mentioned was.

"Who are the books for exactly?"

"The priest wanted them for the school's collection."

The answer was easy and made sense but something in the way he said it seemed like he was hiding a more important reason for the impromptu shopping trip. It seemed a bit off to send someone like Dimitri on a simple errand instead of one of the helpers or even just having them mailed into the grounds. The golden thorns twirled and twisted in her thoughts but soon got pushed to the side when they made their lunch stop. It was a quaint little town in the mountains and the diner seemed to only see the same folks that grew up in the area which lead to a few odd looks at the two of them but Dimitri seemed completely unphased.

"What's been going on with you lately?"

It was a loaded question but he said it so effortlessly while eating his fries that her stomach knotted and she almost lost her appetite for the burger in her hands. The day had gone so smoothly that it was almost like old times. She'd almost forgotten how things felt for her anymore. Almost felt like maybe she'd been faking the whole time and she'd just slipped out of the facade shaped jacket and it was back to normal. It wasn't as effortless as that though and her emotions felt the iron weighted coat sliding back up her arms and fitting on her like a second skin; like it'd never been gone for this evening.

"Nothing much, the usual. You know how it is. Teen hormones and the raging desire not to have to take tests."

She smiled at him before taking a large bite out of the burger oozing ketchup on the plate underneath. She hoped desperately it was convincing and pleaded mentally for her eyes to reflect the same as her lips. He wasn't entirely satisfied and for a moment said nothing just staring her down as if he could somehow find the real answer wordlessly.

"You know you can always tell me anything, Roza."

His tone didn't change but his eyes showed he really meant it. For a split second, she thought about confessing it all. The self-medicating, the fear, the shadows. It was too embarrassing though and she swallowed the unspoken words back down and simply nodded her head while continuing to shove the burger in her mouth to let him know she'd heard him but without having to face the statement head-on.

"Do you know anything about those books?"

Looking at the backpack beside him she tried to speak with only half a mouthful.

"Not much didn't think they'd be of that much interest to you. You've never really seemed the reading type judging by your grades outside of the fighting courses."

The mood lightened back a little as they jabbed each other lightly with words and she pushed faintly to get more information out of him about the one book in particular. He remained a steel wall as always and she wasn't able to glean anything else useful from him about it. Her mind scanned the other clips of sentences she remembered seeing but they made just as little sense.

_Satyrs shall call. _

_Possess her forever._

_All who possess her will descend._

_All who go to her cannot return._

_Her house sinks down to death._

_There hath the lamia lain down._

Pacing his bathroom Adrian tried to shake off the combination of a hangover and the aftereffects of spirit squeezing all his internal organs. The tiles were cold against his feet but his body was feverish and alive with a heat that wouldn't go away. With antsy fingers, he pulled off his shirt and crouched down until his whole bare body pressed against the tiles with a shiver. It was jarring but a welcomed sensation as his skin felt relief finally at the taming of the warmth seizing him. He knew he needed to stop using his spirit powers for at least a little while but the thought of leaving a gap between him and Rose seemed somehow more painful.

Nauseousness washed through him in waves and he stayed close to the toilet in case of an emergency. Surrounded by dead silence except for the dripping in the slightly faulty shower spout beside him. It might have felt maddening to anyone else but it was near soothing for him to embrace such a calm moment. Unsurprisingly, his thoughts turned to Rose and wondering what she was up to and where she was. He knew from their dream that she wasn't on campus, his spirit sensed her distance from his own body. A bizarre feeling he'd never felt before but yet again his spirit felt very different around her. It wasn't like it was when he connected to anyone else, it was similar to her being on a whole other wavelength. A deeper frequency that existed on its own like a station switched to the am on a radio while others coexisted on the fm.

Overworking his mind while his body collapsed from exhaustion his thoughts faded to silence as he fell asleep on the floor. Dreamless and somber his body relaxed finally taking the time it needed to heal while his toes tinged blue at the tips. All the campus was far already asleep and nothing dared to disturb his peace in this moment while outside the sun shined brightly on the quiet school. Midday crept into the late evening and after several hours night was making its appearance. The students started to rise and shuffle into their usual routine but Adrian lay still and unmoving on the bathroom floor.

"Did we really have to arrive just at the start of the school day period? You couldn't drive just a little bit slower so I could miss at least one or two classes?"

Rose huffed in the passenger seat as they parked and she saw the beginning of classes nearing.

"I will not take the blame for your poor grades. Go ahead and get ready for your day I'll get these taken over to the church."

She paused, glancing at the backpack thinking again of the book but grabbed her soda from the cup holder and made her way towards her dormitory. Feeling around in her pocket she fished out her cell phone only to see just a text from Lissa chatting about her spirit studies. Reaching her room she held her phone in her hands for a moment hovering over a new blank text addressed to Adrian's number. Tapping her finger against the side of the phone she wondered what would be the best thing to say. What could be said after their last encounter? It was far too personal for a casual hey what's up but she didn't feel comfortable being too personal via text.

_Are you going to be teaching Lissa today?_

"Ugh, that's so lame why did I send that."

The button was tapped and the message was out with no way to take it back. Shoving her phone back in her pocket she rushed to gather her books for class and made her way out the door again trying to pretend she wasn't anxiously waiting for the phone to buzz. Nearly tripping on the steps she made it successfully to her first class but deflated realizing she'd not gotten a new message. Falling back into rhythm she was soon distracted by teachers and tedious lessons that droned on and on as she zoned out only half hearing what was being said. Before she knew it the final bell rang and she was side by side walking to the library with Lissa and Christian.

"Do you think they'll do anything new for the dance this year? Rose. Rose!"

Lissa waved a hand in front of Rose's face to try and draw her attention back to the conversation.

"Huh? Oh. Shit. Is it that time of the year already? God, do we really have to attend? I don't know how much mediocre punch and loud terrible music I can take."

Lissa laughed and linked her arm together with Rose's and pulled both her and Christian over to the table nearest the window. Before Rose and Christian knew it she was launching into showing them all the dresses she'd narrowed down to choosing and was grilling them on which outfit would be the best. Christian tried his best to have an opinion though it was obvious it was far from his field of knowledge to know anything about fashion trends and Rose was equally as lost.

Her fingers traced the outline of her phone in her pocket begging for the notification of a new message but nothing came.

"Wasn't Adrian supposed to meet with you today for your spirit lessons?"

Rose made the comment as off-handed and cooly as possible while flipping through the photos Lissa had laid out.

"Yeah but I haven't seen him at all today, I figured he'd wandered off as he likes too. He's got a whole mind of his own, I can't keep up at all. You know how he is."

Lissa truly wasn't at all bothered since her mind was focused on gauging Christian's reactions to the outfits. Rose saw her chance and slid out of the chair stretching and remarking how she was getting hungry. The three said their momentary goodbyes and she made her way through the halls ways looking through every nook and cranny she spotted. He wasn't in any of his favorite smoking spots and it smelled relatively clove free around the area. That only left his room. Bouncing anxiously on the heels of her feet she thought of the last time she was in his room. Feeling his lips ghost across her skin leaving traces of his tepid breath on her cheek and the way his hands felt entwined in her hand. Nervous her feet shifted back towards her own room but she couldn't stop herself from wanting to sway back the opposite way. Halfway to her own room she gave in and curved right back towards the pathway to his room and didn't let anything stop her.

Knocking on his door she received no answer but peeking through the window she noticed a candle nearly burnt all the way down on the bedside table. Even if he wasn't inside she didn't need to risk being an accomplice to accidental fire damage to school property considering how long her track record already was. Giving all her strength she got the door open and got the candle taken care of first. The room was even more of a mess than she remembered with books strewn all over and cigarette burn marks on the rug spotted all around. Then she noticed the bathroom door ajar with the fluorescent light filtering through.

"Adrian?"

No one answered her call but she made her way to the bathroom pushing on the door gently to open it but it was hitting something stopping it. Sneaking a look inside she saw a tuft of Adrian's unbrushed hair and shoved her way through the little gap in the door until she was at his side. His skin was bitterly cold and she pulled him up against her trying to wake him. Panic was setting as he didn't say anything and she slapped his cheek to try and jolt him awake.

"You like it rough too? Color me surprised…"

His voice was feeble but he chuckled and curled his fingers around her arm trying to pull himself up a little more.

"Fuck, Adrian you scared me."

Tears glinted in her eyes and her nose was turning a vivid red and Adrian felt his heart skip a beat seeing someone care so much about him.

"I might have to start sleeping in weird places more often if it means I get to wake up like this."

She became immediately aware of his freezing fingers soothingly brushing against her arm and swallowed tightly. The awkward blush only escalated when she fully realized he was shirtless and so close to her. It was not lost on Adrian who was reveling in how easy it was for him to fluster her. Sleep had done him well but his body was stiff and uncomfortable from the floor and he inched a little closer to her warm body hopelessly enjoying how amazing it felt. Feeling some strength return to his body he pushed up on his knees and hovering face to face with her he looked into her eyes then his own eyes trailed down to her lips. He remembered that moment, as sweet and slow as honey in her enrapture.

"So tell me while I've been reminded of it, how often have you thought about that kiss?"


	6. Weren't You A Part Of My World?

_A/N: Intense writers block has ended! Thank you all for your kindness and staying along on this journey- hope you're all staying well in these trying times. _

_Weren't You A Part Of My World?_

"I think about it a lot."

His eyes focused on her lips while hers focused on his eyes.

It wasn't really the time or place but would it ever really be?

The longer they sat close together the more her heart sped up and the more Adrian felt himself come back to his normal state of mind.

Each one played a dangerous game of waiting for the other to determine the next move and decide if they were going to take the dive.

His ice cold fingertips loosened their grip on her arm but ghosted slowly upwards from forearm to the curve of her neck settling finally on tracing his thumb along her jawline. Stopping on the spot just in front of her ear so that he was firmly holding the side of her face he looked up to her eyes. Seeing the same hunger, same desperation radiating from her he made the leap.

Falling backwards on the floor Rose welcomed back his overpowering warm kisses.

Bending with both arms planted palm down on the floor and his knees pinning her down on either side he lowered his body near on top of hers as the kisses intensified. Arching her back forward at the intimate position Adrian moaned loudly into her mouth feeling her body press against his bare chest. In a deep aching need Rose ran her fingers up his back feeling the cold expanse of his skin searching for a level of closeness that would make the void inside her finally seal back up.

As she worked her way down to the top of his hips just above his black slacks a knock rang loudly through his room.

"Fuck."

Her hands dropped to the floor in sudden embarrassment now that the moment broke.

"Adrian! If we want to practice we need to do it before my tutor sessions."

Lissa called out from outside his room obviously sounding annoyed. Rose turned an off shade of red all over feeling even more mortified at the possibility of being caught midway into a heavy make out session. Adrian glimpsed down at her biting his bottom lip obviously in a mental debate of if he took the out from the now awkward moment or if he should double down on it.

"You should go, she's been really looking forward to the training."

Her voice betrayed her a bit as she said it, sounding only slightly confident in her own words.

"I should probably take a break from it. I really burnt myself out with spirit earlier. Part of the whole impromptu sleeping on the bathroom floor. If you want to leave though I will still head out."

She knew what he meant and she appreciated that he was leaving the choice to her, even though she wasn't sure what choice she wanted to make and what the implication of it would be.

"I'll text you later, okay?"

It was a small promise but it meant the world to him as he slid back up and then helped pull her off the floor.

"Let me get dressed and then I'll leave with Lissa first so you can sneak out afterwards."

Nodding she stood in the bathroom door frame and watched him walk out to his closet and then fiddled with her phone to act like she wasn't watching. Sneaking a peak as she heard the buckle on his pants unclip Adrian tossed a look back over to her with a wink.

"You can watch if you want."

Blushing even harder than before she stared back down at her phone intently. Suddenly, she felt a lot like a schoolgirl for once and not the hardened badass she tried so hard to be. He was starting to have that effect on her, the ability to make her feel so exposed and easy to read. Maybe it was just a quirk of being a spirit user. She wasn't quite certain of anything anymore. She could feel him looking at her again as his shoes padded across the floor but she didn't look up even when he said goodbye.

With him gone the room felt so different.

She felt so different.

The glowing warmness that spread through her body seemed to leak back out and the creeping feeling that had been haunting her felt like it was just on the outer edge of her world.

Watching the ticking second hand on the clock on the wall she flirted with the idea of skipping out on classes but she knew Dimitri would probably be nosy enough to make sure she attended after their outing. She'd already lost her first period to the time with Adrian but she'd have just enough to make it to second if she hurried.

x

Classes proved a worthy distraction but when the final bell rang she found herself aimlessly walking the halls for the next distraction. After twenty minutes or so she found herself in the dinner hall faced with the murmurs and glances of the other dhampirs who still found a way to talk about the incident that had happened. A lot feared her, some respected her, but a small amount blamed her for the loss. That was the one that hurt the most. That pain she could never take.

Grabbing a sandwich from the stands she took off in a rush without stopping to try and face anyone. Ducking into an alcove she watched everyone outside in the quad silently as an observer. It felt more normal to watch all the others living their own lives and continuing on as nothing ever happened. Time stood still for her at moments, but it never seemed to for them. Not even eating proved to be enough of a distraction and after only a few bites she tossed the sandwich into a bin and began wandering again ignoring her phone buzzing in her pocket.

She knew it was likely Lissa wanting to go over outfit options for tomorrow's dance and was still planning to completely avoid the ordeal. It was always uncomfortable dressing up anyways, but it just made her feel very guilty to do something so normal when there was someone who couldn't. Nearing the library she found out the hard way she wasn't going to avoid the conversation.

"Rose! Why aren't you answering your phone? I've been texting you for an hour."

Lissa's small hand tugged at her sleeve and pulled her into the library and led her over to their usual table where Christian was sitting with Adrian.

Christian as always looks relieved to have another buffer between Adrian and Adrian was looking at Rose with a knowing look that made her squirm.

"So Rose, what are you going to wear to the dance? I feel like I've seen every dress that's ever existed at this point."

Christian made an exaggerated sigh crossing his arms and leaning back into his seat with a smirk that earned him a strong elbow ribbing from his girlfriend. Rose opened her mouth to make an excuse but was swiftly cut off by Lissa.

"Don't even think about it- you are going! I've already got some options laid out in my room for you to decide on. I've even got shoes to match each dress! I was thinking that Adrian could be your escort for the evening if he was willing..."

Leading him into the conversation Adrian quipped up right away.

"Of course, I wouldn't mind at all. What do you say, willing to give the big bad wolf a chance?"

As her throat parched she tried to toss the commitment off with a flippant remark and laugh.

"Do I have a choice?"

"Always."

His voice steeled with sincerity and the group seemed to pick up on the weird energy between the two.

"So, let's go pick out your dress! We'll see you boys later."

In a shuffle Rose was once again pulled along someone else's path and dragged into hours long debates between outfit options. Lissa wanted her to go classy and Rose just wanted to settle on whatever looked the easiest to get out of and make her quickest dash back to room when the dance concluded. In the end, they both settled on a mid length black cocktail dress and small black kitten heels. Classy and still perfect for any makeshift escapes if necessary during the night.

Feeling completely drained by the encounter Rose's mood shifted on the walk back to her own room. The early morning air felt bitter and biting as the wind lashed against her face. The dark feeling was once again nudging itself inside of her and the sense of reality was slipping further and further away. Looking down at her hands they seemed like they belonged to a body not her own and she struggled to connect to her own limbs.

An itching heat was lighting up inside her chest and igniting her lungs as her pace sped up to reach her room before any of the shadows stepped in front of her path. Knees jiggling and ready to give out she reached her room just as her vision started to darken and nearly ripped the door off its hinges. Throwing her jacket and shoes off she darted to her bathroom stripping off clothes as she went. Despite her face and fingertips still being raw from the cold she turned the shower on full blast cold to try and force away the heat spreading inside of her.

After a few moments breathing heavy under the blast her body seemed to calm as it shook in shock from the drastic temperature. The heat subsided as the icy water replaced the sensation and she turned the water off to sink deeper into the full tub basin. Holding her breath and sliding under she felt the gap between her and the shadow world close in just a little bit more. The gap waned open and close so often anymore she wasn't sure which world was real and which world wasn't.

Floating to the top to gasp in air she tried to center on something she knew felt real. The thought of Adrian's skin underneath her fingers flickered through and then stayed a little longer. That felt real. Realer than she'd felt in so long. Realer than the two worlds that she flitted through between day break and night fall and realer than the ghosts that docked themselves inside her heart like wayward boats.

Slipping out of the tub and into thick sheets she dangled over the bed side and felt under the frame for her only habitual solace and welcomed the wish for a dreamless night as always. Feeling like a shadow herself in the curtain closed and empty room she blended into a world of her own that no one else could invade. It was safe and it was the only thing she'd been comfortable in for so long. The only place no one could reach her.

Seeing Adrian in a beautiful world was enticing but the possibility of seeing her own fears instead was a threat she just couldn't face yet. Right now she just wasn't strong enough for the hardest part. As the black endless cycle of sleep drifted over her half conscious body the flash of Adrian in front of a sandy beach breached just the tiniest part of her dreaming state.

_"When will you let me in?"_


End file.
